The energy in the air could have taken on its own life form. There were so many different emotions that she would never be able to name. And as she watched him, it was almost like his mind was playing out some alternate reality and she couldn’t help the fact that it felt like a punch straight to the heart. She wasn’t sure what she saw in his eyes, but it was enough to steal her breath. And it hurt. The whole thing hurt.
There was a time when just a kiss from him could chase it all away. But that was no longer an option. It couldn’t be. And she needed to stop thinking about it as any kind of anything. It was a past life. She left that Quinn behind with her long blonde hair and baby doll dresses.
She shouldn’t have done it. She shouldn’t have just stood there, fighting not to lean into his touch. She was determined not to cry, but she could feel it as her eyes got glossy. She tried to blink it away, and she knew she was fighting a losing battle.
As he stared into her eyes, telling her that he wanted to see her, she tried to stand her ground. She tried to stare back as bored and uninterested as possible, but she failed, looking down, blinking and turning just a bit away from him. It was a bad idea. Either she was tortured by him always showing up or texting her or calling her. Or she was tortured when he wasn’t. If only there was a way to erase him completely. To forget how it felt to finally have a taste of love.
But love was supposed to go hand in hand with forever and it ended before it began. It was too late now.
His voice pierced through her mind and straight to her heart, shattered the tattered bits and pieces that were left.
“So you see me,” she managed, although it didn’t come out as she had hoped: bored and already over it. She knew her voice hitched and her breath caught in her throat and the one part of her wanted to drag it out, their last time together, but the other wanted him to just tell her it was okay to walk away. “What do you expect out of this, Sam?”
What do you want from me?
Oel ngati kameie.
A phrase that seemingly meant nothing to those that couldn’t comprehend it but rather a great deal to Sam. Not only was it a weighted reference from his favorite movie, it was also words that he had told Quinn when he let her down for the first time. They were taunting in a way but most of the time he was able to swerve his thoughts on them when they crossed his train of thought. This time however was different. Different in the way that they seemed to hold a bigger purpose. As if they had much more of an impact on the blonde teenager the more he kept repeating them in his head. His eyes flickered to the ground for a moment as he tried his hardest to shake his thoughts.
He wondered if the meaning of them still remained true. He couldn’t tell anymore considering the meaning was the same as a faded memory that him and Quinn shared. The answer to his question was lost in the past, something that Sam wasn’t quite sure if he could accept or not. But as he looks up at the girl in front of him again he realizes that the couldn’t accept a plethora of things. Not when it came to Quinn Fabray. As a deep breath shuddered through his lips he realized that maybe part of it was still true. Small moments, ones that started and ended so fast you probably couldn’t blink before they were over, proved that maybe the meaning still remained true.
I see you.
“I wouldn’t really say I was expecting anything.” Sam mutters before licking his lips out of nervousness and rolling on his heels. “Like I said I wanted to see you and part of me is willing to say you can leave now…” He drifts off and he knows that she’ll take that as an invitation so he quickly continues. “But I want you to stay for just a bit longer.” Sam’s green eyes locked with hers and he is so desperate to see something. That maybe this was killing her just as much as it was killing him. But the blonde didn’t let himself really look because he was afraid of what he’d find…or rather what he might not find at all.
“I know it’s all meaningless words to you. That nothing I say would change your mind and I lost that privilege a long time ago…” Sam drifts off as he bites on his lip for a mere moment. “But I really am sorry Quinn. I don’t have any excuses to offer you and I could tell you what—well that isn’t important. But just know that I am sorry and if this is the last time we are really going to see each other then I want you to know that.” He puts emphasis on the word see because maybe he was wrong. Maybe she was really gone like Quinn claimed. “And I’m not asking for forgiveness because I know you’re not willing to give it…but you have to believe me someday, that I’m sorry.” The smallest part of him wanted to reach out and take her hand, to run the pad of his thumb across her skin. A sign of compassion to hopefully get his point across more. But it would be useless just like everything he had just said. She’d probably never believe him and it was all his fault.
She tried not to react when he turned around. Maybe she flinched. Or made some kind of involuntary movement. If he said anything, she’d blame it on the drugs even though she hardly had enough to do anything. She wasn’t even sure if her eyes were glassy.
If she was on a buzz, the moment he turned around, she was as sober as she’d ever been. His face hit her like a knife to the chest. Serrated. And twisted once it was inside. Over and over again.
That was how it felt. Times maybe one hundred. Or a thousand. Closing all of those doors that once felt so open and unlimited. Life felt a whole lot… more when she knew what loving Sam felt like.
Now it was just complicated and cold and slow.
She merely shrugged her shoulders. Of course she came. She came because he promised her. She needed that promise. Because looking at him reminded her of another promise from another lifetime. And she wasn’t that Quinn anymore and he wasn’t that Sam. She wasn’t worthy of that kind of love. It was her own fault. She’d bitten the hand that fed her too many times that the time she did reach out, it bit back.
“What did you want to talk about?” she asked flatly, her voice as monotone as she could possibly make it. “There’s obviously some kind of reason you begged me to come out here. What is it?”
God this hurt. To have her so close yet so far. It was painful and Sam was sick to his stomach. This might as well be a nightmare. And he can almost see the rest of his mind play out what would happen. The way he’d reach out to touch her skin that he had missed so much. How the moment his fingers barely grazed over her she would disappear into nothing as if she was a spirit. He’d wake up. It hurt so much that he had to look down at the ground for a moment to avert his gaze. To will any evident emotion that was in his eyes away. To will the tears away that would surely defy Sam and fall later when he was alone. He was always alone in times of pain that was so raw and desperate he might as well suffocate. But he was also always alone when the ghost of a smile appears on his lips at a mere memory. A fading memory that at times Sam would try so hard to grasp onto because he knew it was only a matter of time before he couldn’t remember every last detail. And he feared that, that was coming sooner rather than later.
As he looked back up at her and she speaks he is silent. For a moment he craves something. Sam craves something that he shouldn’t desire anymore. But just like the prior moments he can see it playing out in his head. Tentative steps would be taken to put no space in between them. He’d still be silent and his green eyes full of emotion would lock with hers for a moment before flickering down to her lips. There they would linger and trace the outline of them, the desire to kiss her only growing more and more. Then they’d lock with her hazel ones, a silent question that he knew she’d say no to. But he also knew it was a question that deep down she wanted to say yes to. And he would only believe that because her eyes repeated the motions of his and he knew that she wanted it just as much as him. No matter if she’d denied it or not. Then his hands would moved to cup her face, his fingers threading her hair and his thumb resting on her cheekbone, tracing it as his lips connected with hers.
But that was a dream. A craving. One that Sam chose to ignore as he snapped back into reality.
Licking his lips, he takes a breath. He honestly didn’t have an explanation that she’d like. Not even one that he wanted to share. His teeth tug on his bottom lip for a moment longer before he removes on of his calloused hands from his worn out jeans’ pocket. A breeze rushed over the both of them and the park surrounding them. Reaching out with only a slight amount of hesitation he brushes her loose pink hair behind her ear. Sam’s fingertips ghost down her face, tracing her jawline, lingering there before he drops his hand to his side. It was another mistake that he had made but he couldn’t have stopped himself if he tried. “I wanted to see you.” He pauses, searching for her in her eyes. He needed one last glimpse of her. He wanted to know that he hadn’t completely lost her.
Though maybe he already had.
“I wanted to see you one last time. So I begged…” He drifts off finishing the rest of what he wanted to say in his head. I begged in hopes that you wouldn’t come because I didn’t want this to be the last time. As his eyes locked with hers he bites on the inside of his lip again to stop it from quivering. This was growing more painful by the second and he felt like screaming.
Her hands were far too shaky to bring the freshly rolled joint to her lips and forget trying to light the thing. She needed it, though. She needed to dull the ache, the pain. She needed it gone when she went to see him. Because he was her biggest weakness and without some kind of shield, she was going to crumble.
She couldn’t afford that.
She had to trim the fat. And the fat for her was her weakness for Sam.
She layered her eyeliner heavy. Heavier than she’d ever done it before and picked out her rattiest shirt — something that Mac had let her borrow one night after she’d thrown up all over herself at some party. She wanted to look as unappealing as she ever had before because maybe then he’d let her go easy; without a fight. Which is what she needed. Desperately.
Thankfully the park was close enough to walk to because if she didn’t have to break the law, she really didn’t want to and since her license was suspended, she decided to play it safe.
Too much was going to be lost today, she figured she could at least save herself from another trip to the big house. (A holding cell, but really.)
The walk felt entirely too short when she saw him there waiting for her. Right on time. She swallowed thickly and ran a hand through her pink hair. Blowing out a breath, she walked towards him, his back to her.
When she was behind him, she stopped walking, her hands folded across her chest, clearing her throat so that he knew she was there.
He was nervous and not in a good way. It wasn’t in a good way as if this were a first date or as if this was when he was going to tell her his feelings for the first time or something. It was a bad nervousness. One that he couldn’t shake because he didn’t want her to show up and yet at the very same time he did. Sam knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his promise. It would be the one promise that he made her that he would break. He wished that he crossed his fingers when he made that promise. That his hand was behind his back and that his fingers were crossed. That way he wouldn’t have to worry about it because it was never a real promise in the first place. It was never made in a sense because he would have had his fingers crossed behind his back. But that wasn’t the case. He had typed up the words and sent them to her. He officially promised that he’d leave her alone if she met up with him one more time. Granted it was supposed to be Friday but that didn’t matter. They both knew that today would be Friday in a sense. She was probably rejoicing about it while he was dreading it. He didn’t want to leave her alone. Not like he had before and he promised himself that he wouldn’t do it again.
So who was more important; himself or Quinn?
Being the person that he is Sam would say Quinn. He was selfless and because of his feelings—that he still wasn’t sure of—he’d put her needs in front of his. And when he hears her clear her throat behind him he swears that his world shatters for a moment. Clenching his eyes shut for the most brief amount of time he almost wants to tell himself that this is a dream. A nightmare. That all he needed to do was wake up. But it wasn’t a dream and she was really behind him. Turning around he realizes that he completely forgot what he needed for this meeting. If they would have met on Friday he would have had his guitar but this time he didn’t. Mentally cursing himself he looks up and locks eyes with hers. He takes in her appearance and he is fearing the fact that this will be the last time he is really going to get to see her since he was practically being forced to keep to his promise. The only thing Quinn didn’t know was that it probably wouldn’t be for long. “Hey.” Sam says in the smallest of voices, stuffing his hands in the pocket of his jeans. “You came.” If she listened close enough she could hear the hint of sorrow in his voice, almost begging her to tell him she didn’t want him to leave her alone.
He didn’t want this to be it. And since it practically was part of him almost wanted to just not say anything and just kiss her. It was an urge that he had a hard time burying down but he managed to do so with a faint gulp. His teeth dig into his bottom lip. This was just too awkward and melancholic for him right now. The faster they got this over with the better. He needed her to rip the bandage off because the slower she did the more painful it was.
This was a mistake. A big one. One that he possibly couldn’t understand why he made it. He promised her that he’d leave her alone. And he knew he couldn’t but now he had too. How was that supposed to work? All Sam knew was that today was going to be horrible. Well not necessarily today but after all was said and done he would probably find a way to hang out with Puck and get drunk. It seemed to be the go to thing nowadays because other distractions just wouldn’t work. Puck didn’t seem to have a problem either because apparently he was having girl troubles too. Sam didn’t really know who the girl was and he didn’t care. They both got drunk and even if the hangover the next day was killer, it was worth forgetting about everything for a few moments. Today would definitely be a day where he would need at least a drink. He had no idea how he was going to stick to this promise that he made to Quinn. In fact Sam was sure that he wouldn’t be able to. It just didn’t seem possible to him at all.
And somewhere deep down inside of him was screaming at him. You love her, that’s why! But it he wasn’t willing to admit that so it was simply lost in the rest of his thoughts. When noon started to near Sam simply got ready like he would for any other person that he was meeting up with. He took a shower and then put on clean clothes that consisted of a flannel shirt and jeans. It was summer and Sam honestly wished that he could just rewind because then he wouldn’t have to be doing this. It would be so much different if he hadn’t pushed his feelings away until he didn’t know what to make of them anymore. With a sigh escaping his lips he got himself out the door after he had eaten lunch a few minutes prior. As he started to walk to the park he popped a piece of chewing gum in his mouth needing something to calm his nerves.
At the park he simply leaned against a tree and looked out at a small pond. He wished that there was some sort of breeze because it was way too hot and humid outside. Wearing jeans surely didn’t help but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Humming a song to himself he shoved his hands into his pockets and waited for Quinn to get there. He knew there was a possibility that she’d stand him up again simply because she seemed to hate him now but he took his chances again. After all if she really wanted him to stick true to his promise she would have to show up eventually and keep up her end of the deal. And part of him hoped that she wouldn’t.
But the bigger part of him knew she would.